April 1, Washington, DC – After years of controversy and uncertainty, DNA testing has finally proven the real father of the Internet. It’s a gas station attendant in Norman, Oklahoma.
Given the obvious promiscuity of the Internet’s mother, the real father has long been in doubt. Robert Kahn, Tim Berners-Lee and Vint Cerf were all known to have dated the woman, Mildred Pollymokker, in the mid 1960s and 1970s. Others, including JCR Licklider, Paul Baran and Robert Taylor were all known to have “spent time” with Ms. Pollymokker around that time.
“Let’s face it, the mother of the Internet got around,” said Cerf. “I’d be coming over to visit and I’d see Tim sneaking out the backdoor. I’d get so jealous. I would yell, ‘Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.”
Licklider said Ms. Pollymokker was into the free love of the 1960s. “One time I got a nasty virus from her. After that I stayed away,” said Timothy C. Pip, who never saw her again after DARPAFEST 1970. While considered promiscuous to many she could be oddly aloof. Al Gore was known to frequent night clubs in hopes of meeting her, but she denied his claims of an affair.
The shocking results will be aired next week on a special episode of The Maury Povich Show titled “Who’s My Baby’s Daddy?” Ms. Pollymokker said the real father, Alfred E. Webber, never accepted the responsibility of fatherhood. Webber has been incarcerated since 1995 after his conviction for stealing 400 cases of spam from a Hy-Vee.
Ms. Pollymokker refused a reporter’s request for a sit-down interview. “All these bastards got what they wanted and then flapped their gums about me. I don’t kiss and tell.” A retired school bus driver, Ms. Pollymokker said she’s reconsidering that stance and writing a tell-all book. “I put the X in Internet. Memoirs from the Madam of the Internet.”
The Internet himself, apparently ashamed of his mother’s background, refused comment, but his troubles are well-documented. Recently, the Internet passed potentially crippling viruses to unsuspecting acquaintances, was accused of aiding identity thieves, drained numerous bank accounts and was complicit in the illegal distribution of the latest Britney Spears “album.”
“It’s tough for him, being raised without a daddy,” said Ms. Pollymokker.
--By Tom Galvin, with investigative reporting from Brendan Lewis